Surviving Valentine’s Day

Let’s face it: Valentine’s Day can really be the worst. Too often the day of “love” ends up feeling more like pressure and disappointment. Whether you’ve been together for 3 months or 30 years, it’s never too early or too late to start a conversation with your special someone about what makes you both feel loved and appreciated.

One of the biggest sources of stress around Valentine’s Day is unmet expectations, and one of the biggest traps in relationships is having expectations and not sharing them with your partner! Partners are not mind readers, and what is a ‘given’ to one is not necessarily true of the other.

Here is a quick guide on engaging your partner in a conversation about the holiday to help you both come out stronger, and not only "survive" Valentine's day, but thrive:

1. Be Clear About Your Requests and Expectations

To avoid any misunderstandings, it’s important to be clear about what you want or expect from the day. Are you hoping for a romantic dinner, a thoughtful gift, or a quiet evening at home? Talk about your preferences with your partner beforehand.

It's not about setting rigid rules, rather it’s about aligning your ideas so no one feels disappointed or blindsided. For example, if you’re hoping for flowers or a surprise date, let your partner know in a gentle, open way. Likewise, if you’d rather not do anything extravagant, express that too. The goal is to avoid the unexpected that could lead to frustration later on.

2. Consider Each Other's Preferences

Valentine’s Day isn’t just about your desires—it’s about what makes both of you happy. Take the time to consider your partner’s likes and dislikes when planning for the day. Maybe they prefer a low-key celebration, or perhaps they enjoy big gestures. Show empathy by asking them what would make them feel special, and think about what would bring joy to them.

Being considerate of each other's feelings and preferences shows that you care beyond just meeting a societal expectation. It also helps avoid putting pressure on either person to conform to an idea of romance that doesn’t suit them.

3. Focus on Honesty Over Expectation

Honesty is the cornerstone of a strong relationship, especially when it comes to holiday celebrations. If you’re feeling stressed or unsure about what the day means to you, be upfront about it. Honesty doesn’t have to mean being harsh; it can be an open conversation where you express your feelings in a caring, understanding way.

Clear communication will help avoid silent resentments that grow later on.

4. Make It About Connection, Not Just Gifts

Valentine’s Day is often marketed with an emphasis on gifts, but the heart of the holiday is about showing love and appreciation. Talk with your partner about the kinds of gestures that make you feel loved. Those could be spending quality time together, having a deep conversation, or simply holding hands.

If you both agree that the holiday is less about material gifts and more about connecting, then you can create a celebration that feels authentic and meaningful. This approach may alleviate any tension over what to buy or how much to spend, and put the focus back on your actual relationship.

5. Work Together

Rather than one person planning everything, consider making Valentine’s Day a joint effort. It can be organizing date night or preparing a homemade gift; collaborating can make the day feel more special and mutually satisfying. It’s an opportunity to team up and create a memory that reflects your shared bond.

By working together, you're also strengthening your partnership. The process of planning together can be fun along the way, giving more to your relationship than the single day.

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Therapist tip:

One often expressed hesitation in having conversations like the one recommended above is the thinking that talking about the holiday or planning the occasion together will make it less special. Growing in love and closeness takes time and effort, though. You have to be willing to share what you want and like in order for your partner to grow in that understanding of how to be there for you. In the words of Brene Brown: Clear is Kind. Even if you’ve been together for decades, you can still come closer together and create a new way of connecting and doing things together. It all starts with a conversation.

Difficulty communicating is something every couple struggles with at one time or another. If you and your partner could use some extra support to get on the same page in life and love, reach out to New Rhythms Therapeutic Center today. We have counselors ready to work with you and your significant other to come together.